Dr. Stanley Goldstein - Author and Psychologist

I once had a patient with a disabling symptom, a fetish which is an obsessive need to touch or photograph or otherwise involve themselves with an object or body part, which can be a woman's shoe or foot, just about anything. Being almost always a male symptom, women tending not to develop them, it reflects early life trauma during which the object involves what has been termed "castration anxiety," the boy's fear of losing his penis. The boy, having seen a naked female and fearing they may lose their penis as he incorrectly believes the female did hers, uses the fetish to symbolize this fear and underlying anxiety. Which tends to persist since early childhood has immaturely developed thinking capacities and is the bedrock of the adult personality.

 

After explaining the nature of fetish to this man, I advised him to talk to himself: to tell himself that while the fetish helped him when he was a child it was no longer needed. Still, both he and the fetish would remain friends throughout life but the fetish could relax. Using this technique, which contains elements of play therapy with children, his obsession with the fetish disappeared within several months.

 

Similarly, when one has experienced a traumatic experience, during wartime or after rape or assault, if one tells oneself that the later symptoms were created to help them and not the problem, they are better able to cope. Understanding that the associated symptom such as nightmares are friendly warnings to resolve an unconscious conflict and not an enemy.

 

So while talking to oneself has a bad reputation, it often being associated with psychosis, it can be healing. But it should be done when alone and need not be spoken aloud.

 

While the psychological world that the newborn confronts is complicated they possess a biological predisposition to create a sense of who they are or, as psychologists term it, a "sense of self" from the social experiences they encounter. Beginning in their second year a profound continuing struggle exists between infant and caretaker as the child battles to establish their autonomy apart from the people who controls their destiny. But because babies are not born with instructions and parents have their own childhood-based limitations, the "good-enough" parent-child interaction needed by a child is not always gained, to the long-term suffering of both. Which is where psychotherapy may enter their lives but that is another matter.

While humans are born with instinctive psychological abilities like the ability to learn language, a child being able to induct the grammatical structure of their native language (thus a child born in China easily learns Chinese while a child born in Germany easily learns German), the successful development of more complex functions depend on experiencing the "good-enough" interaction with their earliest parenting figure, which for most children is their mother. Because of an infant's psychological immaturity, conflict between their desires and the needs of their parents are inevitable. Yet, from this, the child's mind usually expands healthffully. It is only when parents don't encourage their child's struggle for individuation that unneeded exaggerated tension occurs. Caused by the parents lacking knowledge about child development (a baby doesn't exit the womb with instructions), or the lingering effects of the parents' psychological struggles with their parents. 

My experience with treating mothers has long impressed me with their strength. Despite their continuing daily tasks of tending to wandering-about youngsters, seemingly incomprehensible teenagers, difficult husbands, and an occasional sickly rabbit or other pet, they cook, clean, negotiatate with school officials, provide transportation to appointments, and cope with such intermittent crises as helping with children's homework and arranging for home repairs. All while trying, and often failing, to care for themselves.

Part of this is inevitable since, in most families, the mother is the emotional center of the family, which also makes her the major recipient of children's complaints. If a child is unhappy, it's HER fault. Is this fair? Of course not but that's how it is.

Which is not to say that the father's role is unimportant since, though the mother (or mothering figure who can be a male) is the most important figure during the first two years of a child's life, the father becomes equally important during their third year, serving to pull the child from the symbiotic relationship with their mother into the larger world and, ultimately, independent adult functioning.

On a bulletin board on Amazon.com, a mother spoke of her distress at the excessive video game play by her teenager. This was his major interest and interfered with his school performance and family life. So intense was his involvement with these games that he would become enraged when his parents attempted  Read More